Speaking up about my brain injury

I’ve been wanting to post this for awhile and though I struggle with a list of both mental health and chronic pain issues which applies to this graphic or idea that "she's always been ill but able", something else has been coming up a lot for me recently so I feel compelled to share. I don’t typically share this but here it goes. When I was 16 months old I had multiple seizures and as a result I have a brain injury or “Right Brain Deficit Disorder”. This diagnosis is very specific to me and that in itself can be lonely. I have short term memory loss, cognitive communication disorder, word retrieval issues, developmental topographical disorientation, alexithymia and more. I’ve had speech therapy all my life and heavy help throughout school.

Growing up I heard doctors say I wouldn’t be able to drive, make meaningful connections or live an independent life... which in reality those words were the only thing that has ever held me back. I always tried hiding this part of myself and I can’t count how many times I wished I was “normal”... and the constant thoughts of “I wasn’t born this way, I wasn’t meant to be this way, who would I be if it wasn’t for this, where would I be” etc. I think my biggest struggle has and still is my speech. Every time I open my mouth I’m consumed with thoughts of “how am I going to screw this up, I’m doing a shitty job at explaining myself, what am I even saying, I’m so dumb, these aren’t the right words, I’m not going to be able to pronounce that so don’t bother trying, just hurry up and get this over with, I have no value to give, keep quite”. I’m constantly over apologizing for not being able to explain myself when the reality is I never give myself the chance. Of course I’m going to screw up if those self limiting beliefs are louder then the words I’m trying to speak. I work at this every day and I’m able to see improvements in myself, mostly how proud I am.